Well, I went out to my placement town today and I came back with a contract for an apartment and
DOUBT.
I don't think I should be doing this. I think I should take a leave of absence and try the lottery again. Of course, the risk there is that I may end up somewhere worse.
I ask myself why I'm going now and the answer is: because I want to and because it bothers me that my class would go on without me.
That isn't good enough.
The sacrifices my family would have to make are too great.
Yes, it might be a great placement (for me).
Yes, the midwives are great and the hospital staff are lovely (to me).
But to them, none of that matters.
For my family it means upheaval, lots of driving which equals lots of gas and money. It means that my brother and his children will not get to see their grandmother for four months and then she leaves the province for the summer. It means my grandparents will not see their daughter every night before bed the way they do now. It means my husband will not get to see us everyday.
That's not a fair exchange.
I know that in the end, the future will be more secure for us if I'm a midwife, but right now, all I can see is the trees and all I want to do is to give up.
4 comments:
I know it's scary going in. What if you looked at it like an adventure?
This is going to be tough, we will be away from our family, but it will give us a chance to live in a different place, experience new things, and it will be an adventure!
I find things are much less upsetting if I can change my thinking from "this is a lot of work and will never work out" to "this is going to be an adventure."
I tried to do it that way, but it's not me that I'm worried about. My Mom will be coming home every weekend. It is snow country out there and I will worry a lot about her on the roads. Sigh.
I really can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are so unsettled about this next path. My thoughts are with you as you make your decisions. I wish you peace and clarity.
Maybe your mom can reassure you that she's more than willing to help you? (She certainly sounds like a great mom...I bet she'd be great at that!)
That is a really tough place to be. I don't envy the choices you have to make. Does that mean the space that opened up in your hometown was given away to someone else?
I know you will make the right decision in the end, and that no matter which one it is, you will be able to accept that is what you chose and your reasons for doing so.
Post a Comment